BLACK SABBATH OFFICIALLY DECLARES 1979-1996 DID NOT EXIST
[Editor's Note: we received this email from a source claiming to be Infernal
Mark, who we reported missing several months ago. It explains much about his
disappearance, and due to the seriousness of the matters disclosed, we have
notified Mark's family and the police, who are continuing their search. On behalf
of Infernal Combustion GmbH, LLC, Inc., I ask that anyone with information concerning
Infernal Mark's whereabouts contact us immediately. And Mark, if you're reading
this, we can only make this plea: breach of contract suits are ugly, and we
don't want to have to seize your assets. Come home and write some damn stories
before I rent out your office to Metal Sludge. - Infernal Keith]
Ever since the four original members of Black Sabbath—singer Ozzy Osbourne,
guitarist Tony Iommi, bassist Geezer Butler, and drummer Bill Ward—reunited
in 1997, it could be said that Black Sabbath’s post-Ozzy output has been
cast aside and put on the back burner. While it can be expected that Osbourne
wouldn’t perform material recorded without him, most magazine articles
on the band done over the last four years give a cursory, one-sentence mention
of the post-Ozzy years, if they mention the time period at all.
Here, in an Infernal Combustion exclusive, evidence of a Sabbathian
conspiracy of gargantuan proportions will be presented for the first time ever,
regardless of threats from the band or parties representing said band. What
you are about to read may shock you, as Black Sabbath has successfully convinced
metal fans worldwide that 1979 to 1996 never happened.
Since 1996, on the Black Sabbath e-mail list, fans have pointlessly complained
that the Ozzy-fronted version of Sabbath should play songs done during the Ronnie
James Dio years and the Tony Martin years. Imagine Ozzy singing "Heaven
and Hell," or "Anno Mundi," they fantasize. Tony Iommi has one
reply to these requests: "Who is this Tony Martin character?"
Iommi categorically denies ever having met Tony Martin. Or Ronnie James Dio.
Or Glenn Hughes, for that matter.
When asked if he met Ray Gillen, Iommi issued a challenge: "You find this
fictional ‘Ray Gillen’ that you mention, and bring him to me."
When informed that Gillen passed on nearly eight years ago, a cocky, strident
Iommi smiled and replied, "Uh huh. Of course. Naturally. How convenient."
How is it possible that the members of Black Sabbath could have pulled off such
a labyrinthine scam on the world? The answer lies in hidden messages on the
band’s 1998 album, Reunion. If you break down the tracks on the
two new studio songs, "Psycho Man" and "Selling My Soul,"
not only will you find that Ozzy’s voice has been completely recreated
by a computer, you will also hear subliminal messages being spoken by the band.
Below is a transcription that, with technologically advanced equipment, can
be deciphered during Iommi’s ‘Psycho Man" guitar solo:
Iommi: "Ozzy is Black Sabbath. Black Sabbath is Ozzy. Whatever Sharon says."
Geezer Butler: "There is no Mob Rules. No Born Again. Throw out your Tony
Martin CDs. Discard your Ray Gillen bootlegs. Without Ozzy, there is no Black
Sabbath. Nu-metal is the wave of the future."
Bill Ward: "Thank you for not permanently replacing me with Mike Bordin
or Vinny Appice. And, uh, oh yeah, that is not Glenn Hughes you hear on Seventh
Star, because there IS no Seventh Star. Ow, my heart!"
Ozzy: "WE LOVE YOU AWLLLLLLL!"
When further calls to Iommi remained unanswered, it was decided that tougher tactics needed to be undertaken. Immediately, I booked a flight to Los Angeles to track down singer/bassist Glenn Hughes, a former member of Deep Purple and one-time member of Black Sabbath (1986’s alleged Seventh Star). Upon making contact at his personal recording studio, Hughes was gracious, receptive, and willing to help.
"Oh yeah, I was real happy with my work on that record," the cordial
Hughes replied. "We did the record, and we started touring. I was a bit
of a wreck then and was fired shortly into the tour, but I’ve since cleaned
up my act, and Tony Iommi and I have remained great friends. I just wish he’d
release the material we recorded for his solo album a few years back. He ended
up shelving it when he got trendier guys to appear on a new version. Oh well,
that’s the breaks, ya know?"
Hughes then excused himself to answer a phone in the adjoining room. After 30
seconds, he returned with a blank stare on his face.
"You leave now," he said, staring at me with glassy eyes. "Why
do you bother me with questions about Black Sabbath? Why would I know anything
about a band I was never in?" Hughes then grabbed his bass guitar and began
lurching towards me, uttering "Curiosity killed the cat, you know?"
while wielding the instrument like an axe.
"Black Sabbath has had only one singer!" the now-maniacal Hughes said
in a zombie-like moan. Once I was outside, a foot chase ensued, until a black
limousine appeared out of an alley and began chasing both of us. The limo struck
Hughes and drove over his body several times. The driver then peered out of
the passenger side window and smiled at me. He bore a striking resemblance to
Sabbath keyboardist and Iommi friend Geoff Nicholls. Somehow, I managed to escape.
It was at this time that I began receiving cryptic AOL instant messages from
someone named "Deep Niji," who said he had to meet me. Still in fear
for my life, I agreed to meet him outside the Cathouse. In order to throw off
pursuers, I had to find a disguise that no one on the street would recognize,
so I told "Deep Niji" to look for a man of average build and a remarkable
resemblance to Claude Schnell.
Amazed to find the Cathouse still in business, I left a five-dollar donation
in the hat of a homeless Riki Rachtman outside the door. But more surprises
awaited me inside -- none other than Ronnie James Dio was waiting for me.
Actually, I wasn't all that shocked. "You're the only person on the planet
who would recognize a Claude Schnell disguise," I said.
"I’ve heard about what you’re doing," Dio confided. "And
you really don’t know what you’re dealing with."
It was here that Dio, sitting on several Los Angeles telephone books, explained
the whole sordid tale—Sharon Osbourne and the rest of Black Sabbath are
following through on a plan to effectively obliterate the band’s 1979-1996
output.
"Look in the record stores," Dio said. "See if you can find Heaven
and Hell or Mob Rules anywhere! And don’t even look for
Dehumanizer. It’s like… they never happened."
It was then that I realized the scope of Sabbath’s devious plan. Dio,
though still alive, has gone back into hiding (achieved via signing with Spitfire
Records), but is determined to expose the Sabbathian plan, though he wonders
if even he is vulnerable to it.
"They’d even infiltrated my own band," he said. "You saw
how they lured Vinny Appice into touring as ‘insurance’ for Bill
Ward. No one has seen Vinny since."
Even other former Sabbath members still active in the music business—Deep
Purple vocalist Ian Gillan (in Sabbath from 1983-84) Blue Oyster Cult drummer
Bobby Rondinelli (1994-1995), Company of Snakes bassist Neil Murray (1988-1992,
then 1995), and current Kiss drummer Eric Singer (1986-87), vehemently deny
ever having been in Sabbath.
"Wow, I’d really like to meet Tony Iommi someday," a beaming
Eric Singer said, adding "OZ-ZY! OZ-ZY! OZ-ZY! OZ-ZY!"
Nervously fingering the tracking collar around his neck, Singer then added,
"And Gene says to buy a Kiss Kasket!"
Based on several impromptu interviews I was able to conduct with Sabbath fans
outside a record store in Torrance, it appears the conspiracy is working. Responses
ranged from "Heaven and who?" to "dude, if there was
a video for some song called 'Headless Cross' you'd see it on one of the band's
home video retrospectives!" to "five dollars for the both of us? Make
it two fifty and you've got a deal!" Clearly, Sabbath's campaign of misinformation
had worked so well, that I was seen as a crackpot for simply telling the truth.
I was beginning to wonder if I ever had actually owned an album called
Tyr or the Cross Purposes Live video.
A few days later, Tony Iommi re-established contact, via a late-night phone
call to a hotel I'd checked into under an assumed name.
"So, I heard you missed out on a nice leisurely limo ride," cackled
the Southpaw riffmaster. "You can talk to whomever you wish. We know Mr.
Hughes won’t be talking now, don’t we? Just remember one thing:
Black Sabbath was simply on hiatus beginning in 1979. We briefly played another
gig at Live Aid in 1985, then got back together for Ozzy’s solo farewell
show in 1992, which Rob Halford was not present for, I might add, then
took another break until 1997, and now we are full-time members of Black Sabbath."
I felt the need to interrupt him: "So what did you do when Ozzy was making
all of his solo albums?"
"We were simply waiting for Ozzy to get his incredible solo material out
of the way -- who can stand in the way of 'No Bone Movies' or 'Mister Tinkertrain?'"
Iommi replied. "Since he is Black Sabbath, we felt an obligation to wait
for him. And by we, I mean myself, Geezer Butler, and Bill Ward, the ONLY other
people who have ever been members of Black Sabbath. I don’t know of these
other people and albums you mention, this Tony Martin or this alleged Dehumidifier
album or whatever your creative imagination has named it. It NEVER happened.
Am I clear?"
"Yes, Mr. Iommi," I said, feigning conviction.
"Good," he replied. "Now find those 1980-1995 cds and burn them.
BURN THEM. Especially Forbidden. Uh, I mean the album that would be
called Forbidden, that is, if it existed, which it doesn’t. And never
has."
The account you’ve just read has been e-mailed to Infernal Combustion’s
world headquarters. Because of this searing expose, I have been forced to live
my life in hiding, going where there are as few people as possible and where
there’s minimal chance of being spotted by turncoat metalheads who’ve
been brainwashed by Black Sabbath. (I’d like to take this moment to thank
the members of Helstar, Steel Prophet, and Reign of Terror for allowing me to
roadie for them for the past several weeks, assuring that I will be seen by
no one.) Rest assured, I will see to it that this Sabbath conspiracy is uncoverjknhekjtrnhaqo3iy5;35--
[Here the email ends in a stream of garbled data.]